DENVER B: Settling For Less Vs Settling Down

While planning one of my episodes last week, I stumbled upon a tweet that I found peculiar.

My Friday episodes of the podcast involve me making Tweets made by random people about the subject matter of the podcast. This particular time was one of the rare occasions when I stick to one tweet and use the replies, as it was a collection of unpopular opinions on relationships. 

I already had my 3 for the episode but one more caught my eye, and upon reading it, decided it warranted its own episode. It didn’t trigger any emotions as do many other tweets, although it did trigger my thought process for a bit. Here’s the Tweet: 

most people end up with people they settled for because they didn’t do the work to be with the kind of person they actually want to be with https://t.co/CgizbeFhhU — GURU J (@GURUJAHRA) March 16, 2023

Initial Thoughts

My very first thought as I read the tweet was that it was written by a woman.

I was 100% sure of it, even before I checked on the bio (which I did later on and confirmed it was indeed a woman). The thought seemed so clear yet the nature of what was being said is something that men usually say to each other. 

Listen to the episode below:

The idea of self-improvement to get a mate has always been a predominantly male mindset as the concept of self-improvement has mostly leaned on building physical muscles, financial muscles and social muscles.

It’s been every now-confident man’s hero journey; a movement from where they seemed unseen/unnoticed, from being passed up on the opportunity of being with a beautiful crush to the point of being able to speak to any woman and have multiple women be interested in pursuing a relationship with you or at the very least, copulating.

But even then, to succinctly read a tweet and conclude that it was a woman’s writing was a bit odd. So why? 

An Options Game?

The thought that if one improved themselves then it would lead to better results in terms of partners indicated that there were already options, albeit low-quality. This is unlike men as they speak about having options first before speaking of the quality.

This is because most men rarely get approached by women, let alone get their attention.

So you’d have to be a serious catch to speak on the quality of options since most men just want a chance or two with a woman, regardless of quality. But no, this wasn’t what drew me toward my fast conclusion. 

Settling Down or Settling For Less? 

Not to drag this on forever, I’ll say it: The concept of settling here seemed to indicate that the person was settling down at one point and then showed that they were settling for less after going on further. Men only know how to settle down.

Most millennial women speak of settling for less, and their idea of settling for less tends to equate to their idea of settling down quite often. And I can prove this by example: 

If a man was to explain the concept of settling down to a woman, it would very easily be taken as going for the bare minimum. The idea that you decided to have a long-term relationship with a woman you know isn’t the most beautiful or the smartest, isn’t the best cook of the best in the sheets may seem like you’ve settled for a lower quality partner in some women’s eyes, as their partner must see them as the best they’ve got. 

Men on the other hand view it very differently. We understand that she may not be the best at a lot of things but she’s pretty good at most things.

She can be a 7 with a nice bum, cooks well, has an adventurous mindset, be respectful and does not cause trouble 99 per cent of the time, and maybe like biting the pillow thrice a week and she’ll be considered a keeper (I’ve probably described some guy’s perfect woman actually).

You can even take the adventurous mindset out of this equation, and she’ll still be considered a solid catch. Even drop her looks to a 6 and it still flies as good enough.

Make her cooking skills moderate and we’re still good. Take that to the other gender and see them dispose of the partner from the looks perspective if he’s under 5 ft 7 inches (if not 9).  

Glass Half Full vs Glass Half Empty

Settling down for men has always been the final move before marriage.

It’s an acceptance that you’ve gotten the best (or the best option at the time) and you’re ousting yourself from the dating market completely as you try to build something with your current partner. So it’s an idea that always carried a positive connotation as it marked a progression of life. 

The concept of settling with women today is told with a less optimistic outlook.

Married and previously married mothers, both young and old, opened up about their challenges in matrimony. From the constant pains felt from spousal treatment to the hurting experienced by unsupportive, uncooperative and loveless spouses, the concept of settling from a woman’s view, especially after hearing their older counterparts open up, seems like a tunnel, with the light at the end turned off. 

So Is There a Difference?

Actually, there is. You’d have to read the fine print, but both concepts are quite different. Both concepts speak towards getting off the dating market to be with someone, but that’s where the similarities end. 

Settling down takes the best of what’s there and tries to make the best of what it's got. It is armed with the knowledge that perfection doesn’t exist, but a close representation of that is with you, and worth betting on.

Settling for less knows that the partner is terrible in some way, and has red flags which may be glaring but don’t diminish the spirit that chooses to stay. Eventually, over time, the red flag represents a normal reality that was once frowned upon but has now been assimilated into their daily lifestyle.  

Conclusion 

The reality is that both sides look at settling differently. For the liberal woman, settling isn’t an idea they’d hold dear as they’ve been shown the unhappy ‘glass half-empty' side to it.

For the young man who was lucky enough to get one woman, he’s willing to bet on, he sees settling as his chance to have a solid nuclear family, so his is a glass half-full.

To the mature and experienced folk, the glass is fully visible. While the pros and cons are weighed, the important thing is the water, and the person is thirsty so the glass isn’t worth thinking about. 

Denver B is a TV personality on the show Men’s Conference and a podcaster on the Break Time on Westside podcast which speaks on love, sex & relationships spanning over 360 episodes. You can reach him through his email denversonline@gmail.com

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