DENVER B: Why Dating Sucks, Whether Aging Like Wine Or Milk

So depending on when you’re reading this, I just turned 27 years old (Happy Birthday to me) and I’m a little closer to calling cougars agemates.

Whilst contemplating my new year as a more experienced member of humanity, I started to contemplate my eventful yet single life.

I’m growing wiser by the day and spending my 23 hours fearing women and saving the last hour to fear Nairobi women even more. Even then I wondered if dating would get easier for me now that I know more about it.

Then I remembered a recent tweet I covered in an episode which said: 

Dating in your 30s as a man is no joke. You'll be doing your best to make a relationship work, because you know how hard it is - based on previous experiences - to find a connection. But it'll register to them as a desperation - the absence of options.

A man has to be… — T. R. Okuna (@XivTroy) August 23, 2023

It started to hit me that the saying “when the going gets tough, the tough get going” may have to apply to my dating life but since I’m not 30 yet I’d have to check later to confirm.

Either way, I discussed its possibility here but there’s more to it than the few minutes I gave it.

Listen to it below:

Initial thoughts; it doesn’t change much, at least not in your early 30s 

When I first thought it through, it seemed like a lie as opposed to what I’d heard online. I’ve been fortunate to interact with both genders in their 30s and on asking, I have received mixed opinions on the belief of ageing and dating. 

Some men believe that 30 is when their dating life starts to look up as they start making more money and can afford to be and do better.

Some women have spoken about how they view 30 as the time they get serious with life, giving priority to settling down and setting up their present for a better future.

This new seriousness that the women give to dating is what inevitably becomes the biggest boundary and flag (don’t ask which colour) in dating. 

Women: Value then vs. Value now 

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: men bang who they can and marry who they want, and women bang who they want and marry who they can.

As crude as the statement sounds, it carries a lot of truth in today’s world. Many women carry a perceived value that allows them to act and live a certain way due to the lustful or intimate desires of men being sent their way.

This is what gets them free drinks, favours, free trips, and calls to events at another man’s expense. This man is rarely ever their boyfriend(s). 

This value often changes as they grow (and don’t want free drinks anymore) and the next batch of young, impressionable and free-spirited women join the fray, adding to the numbers in the dating market. As both genders grow older, their earning capacities grow and this affects their options.

Men (who are mostly driven by quantity) can get more women now. Women (who are mostly built on quality) can get better men, or so they believe. 

The quality is lower than ever 

The problem with the belief system I stated earlier is that it is fundamentally flawed due to the ideas coming from the gender generating them.

Men believing that they make more money and thus have more options gives the belief that an increase in choice guarantees the best one. This eventually increases ego and makes choosing harder as there is a larger pool to confuse your desires for an overall package.

One would think the women will do better but you’d also be wrong there as well. 

An increase in quality standards of choice will almost immediately reduce the number of options you have. This is meant to filter out the bad seed to leave room for the better, to which you’ll choose the best.

That’s what women think, which is also flawed. What they find is that those men are almost no different from the ones they weeded out, save for good Public Relations (PR) and more expensive tastes.

They are eventually left in the conundrum that is higher status but men of the same character as the ones they disposed of. Think of dropping a problematic (Mazda) Demio for a problematic Maserati.

Dating based on value, not desire 

What is left as people grow whilst still in the dating market is a sense of value-driven dating and start refining their strategies and filters to adjust to it.

Men see their value based on their capability to provide but will want someone to domesticate and (possibly) start a family with. Women understand that time isn’t on their side and may have the intention to have kids or simply have a long-term partner. This is reflected in their dating strategies.

Men will start to date with an inclination towards showing their financial capabilities while women will choose dates based on perceived character and with a filter adjusted towards higher EQ (emotional intelligence) as opposed to financial intelligence or where they rank on a pyramid amongst other men.

Both genders tend to retain their traits thus they may not attract each other. The man who wants to show he has money/capabilities meets the woman who wants a caring and affectionate man.

The two repel each other or get together with friction on either side throughout their relationships. The younger entrants into the market end up profiting from both in one way or another.

Conclusion

So now we’re at an impasse. The older man wants to show he is capable and the older woman wants a man who can sustainably care and be considerate.

Both were driven to their destinations by life today. Maybe if they settled down earlier then maybe it wouldn’t be as annoying, or as hard, but I can’t say for sure.

The conclusion remains the same: adjust to what the opposite sex wants or suffer the consequences of trial and error till you tire and resent the process. Then, rinse and repeat.

Denver B is a TV personality on the show Men’s Conference and a podcaster on the Break Time on Westside podcast which speaks on love, sex & relationships spanning over 360 episodes. You can reach him through his email [email protected]

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