DENVER B: Pros, Cons Of Open Relationships In Gen Z Era

By Denver Bagaka

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Instead of cheating, why not just get into an open relationship? 

Unsurprisingly, in a world where liberal sexual and relationship practices are becoming somewhat common, the adventurous millennial and the growing Gen Z have heard the concept mentioned at least a few times amongst peers and idols alike. 

Talk of the open relationship has started becoming more common as the widespread talk and near normalization of cheating has become incredibly apparent among the current youth. Whilst such talk would be considered taboo in some relationships/situationships, its tolerance in open spaces of communication on social topics has given it room to breathe.

That said, it still hasn’t received its full understanding as it has been perceived to be a relationship where it’s okay to cheat yet the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

Women walking together in a city. /COSMOPOLITAN

To explain why let’s start by giving a deep dive into the idea of the open relationship.

What is an open relationship? 

An open relationship (OR in short) is a mutual commitment between two individuals which goes against the grain of monogamy through the adoption of a non-monogamous lifestyle.

It creates a situation where the partners get to unburden themselves from being bound to one person, thus allowing their needs and wants to be fulfilled by another partner consensually. The most common of them is the sexually open relationship, so I’ll focus on that today.

Whereas the idea of sexual promiscuity is allowed in the OR, its allowance requires a well-concocted mixture of both trust, rules and boundaries between the committed individuals to allow the relationship to exist and thrive. The breaking of this special mixture can spell the end of the relationship as the connective tissue between the individuals is broken.

To ensure its health, this ‘tissue’ must be maintained through an incredible level of transparency, a phenomenon that has very recently become a scarcity for many relationships today. 

The idea of trust has been a mainstay for relationships for hundreds & thousands of years past, but the idea of the open relationship takes the idea of trust to a whole new level. Trust is created and enforced through the creation of rules (both general and specific) which ensure that the bond is maintained and that monogamy remains, albeit non-traditional. 

The Idea of Boundaries 

The concept of boundaries in traditional and monogamous relationships isn’t anything new and thus doesn’t remain a thought for most when getting into a commitment with the opposite sex. This is due to them being tied to the question of should/would a committed person do this. 

The Yes/No answer your moral code would give you would almost surely determine whether the action would be deemed inappropriate and if the continued practice would be termed as cheating.

For example, letting a man hold a committed woman by the backside would be deemed inappropriate by most, thus would imply that continued action would deem the woman to be cheating as she is exposing her more intimate access to another man.

This idea of access being synonymous with the boundaries of commitment makes the idea of monogamy simple and understandable. That changes with open relationships. 

With an open relationship, there’s a slight disconnect between the two as more physical access to the committed partners is given, which requires that a different set of boundaries are set to ensure that lines aren’t crossed.

This ensures that it remains a committed couple’s affair, not just two people professing love to each other while moaning other people’s names. This is contrary to many people’s idea that people in open relationships don’t/can’t cheat. 

The boundaries/rules in open relationships will vary from person to person but drive towards the same goal; ensuring sexual variety for both people whilst still being able to come back to each other for intimacy and emotional support.

While there are more specific rules between some couples such as no kissing and/or use of protection there are some rules that are more widely adopted as part of an OR. I’ll look at two of them:

Open Transparency 

As was said earlier, the idea of an open relationship is built on trust and thus requires a high degree of trust. This means that transparency is key in most OR partnerships.

While some will seek approval on potential partners, others may select sex partners based on the deliberations done with their committed partner. 

The details of the entire experience may not be necessary, but some may be open to listening about it while others may even have the desire to watch the whole thing happen (the voyeurism fetish).

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith at a basketball game. /GETTY IMAGES

The sexual partner must be made known to the committed partner in some way, but physical interaction is not necessary. The entire idea is simply that there are no secret affairs between the two committed partners. 

Partner Repetition 

While the idea of having multiple sexual partners sounds great to some and even necessary to others, the concept of repetition with the same person, especially over short periods or even consistently, is frowned upon by many OR practitioners.

This is mostly due to the attempted avoidance to develop some sort of attachment/pair bond with the sexual partner. Once such develops due to continued sexual contact, this can lead to dishonesty and reduced transparency between the couple.

This can also spring up feelings of jealousy and create/enhance insecurities that can cause the end of the relationship. 

Why It Seems Like A Good Idea 

The thought of non-monogamy has been a dream for some, and maybe reading this will encourage them to chase it as a reality. The pros are there and are mostly easy to see. If it’s sex with multiple partners you want, then it’s a plus for you.

You don’t get to worry about whether having a lustful interest in someone else will jeopardize the relationship and there’s an acceptance of your desire for sexual variety. 

The more unseen benefit of OR is the increased trust and transparency between partners. This, while debatable by some, could indicate a better and healthier relationship than most monogamous relationships. The additional reinforcement of trust can boost open communication between the couple, making their bond stronger. 

All these mean that the OR may be one of the most ideal relationship types for a lot of people, so why isn’t it as common?

Why It’s Not 

While the idea of an OR has been seen as the best option for the sexually adventurous, there exist cons that many who advise the cheater to indulge may be unaware of. The detachment of boundaries and the idea of commitment is fun until it isn’t, and there are clear issues present. 

The first and clearest issue lies in what OR partnerships are built on, which is trust. While you can argue that the minimal trust levels are due to the lack of openness in the relationship, there’s more to cheating to disprove this.

According to a study by evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss, 70 per cent of the women who cheated on their partner reported falling in love with the person they cheated with. While the numbers on this are lower with men, the fact remains that a lot of people do fall in love with their sex partners, meaning that an OR could eventually still lead to the same case(s) of dishonesty and infidelity. 

The most obvious con of all amongst cheaters is the one that most who consider the option of OR and turn it down consider; the fact that their partner will sleep with others besides them. There’s a joke on exes about how ‘when it slipped out, she put it back in’ that sometimes can hurt a lot of men.

Now imagine the same men subjected to that reality in the present with multiple other men, all with your knowledge. Sounds like a nightmare, huh? 

Conclusion 

The long and short of it is that the OR is an option for the liberal and adventurous but only containable to those who can maintain transparency. They’d also have to not mind being mutually okay with the idea that their partner is being sexually active with someone else besides them. 

That said, I don’t think most people today are built for it. The thought of it may seem good in concept but in practice isn’t for the faint of heart. Most simply don’t trust each other to the degree that would make OR viable for them. 

Also, they can barely keep things in check with one partner. Do you really think they’d be able to handle themselves with more people in the mix? 

Denver B is a TV personality on the show Men’s Conference and a podcaster on the Break Time on Westside podcast which speaks on love, sex & relationships spanning over 360 episodes. You can reach him through his email [email protected]

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A man and woman sharing a kiss. /MEN'S HEALTH