DENVER B: Why Single Men Aren’t Dating Anymore

While stumbling my way through Instagram this past weekend, I stumbled upon this video where someone revealed that 63 per cent of men under 30 years of age are choosing not to date as per a recent article.

The reasons given for the result of this study which originated from the Pew Research Center were cited by ‘experts’ as pornography and social media which meant that men were ‘having a lot of their needs met’ and as such didn’t desire to go out looking for dates from young impressionable single women. 

Hearing about the stats wasn’t too surprising, but the reasons given did hit a spot for me, owing to the fact that I fell under that category in nearly every way (save for the fact that I’m a Kenyan man in Kenya). It hit so close to the chest that I ended up making an episode on it.

Listen below:

Because for some, this part of the world doesn’t face the same problems but for others, the problems in the west are always imminent for us. So are the statistics true?

Something Else? 

The honest answer is yes, but not here (Kenya). The statistics on Kenyan men and their singlehood is still up in the air but I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t far off. However, the reasons given were debatable.

As a young single man who interacts with other young single men, it seemed like a bit of a reach thinking that porn was that widely consumed. Then I remembered that Kenyans’ most searched sites mostly include porn and gambling. 

So maybe porn could be a culprit, but is that the only or even the main thing?

I decided to ask that question and as a part of the statistic, took down some points as to what the case for a lot of us young men could be. I chose to be as impartial as possible and took the question to both genders and what the reasons may shock you.

Why Aren’t Men Up for it?

I decided to start by pointing the finger back at the men and put the blame on our shoulders to cite reasons why we’re not approaching or dating women anymore.

The reality of the situation is that most men under 30 today aren’t choosing to date because they can’t/won’t be able to date (right now) or the women they’d want to date aren’t worth dating.

The first dose of reality that hit me was that men nowadays just don’t approach women any more. In an age of social media and group activities being the norm, it seemed rare that any of my female friends would have some guy coming to start a conversation with them out of the blue.

I can also say that it’s been years (now that I think of it) since I randomly walked up to a woman and tried to spark some inkling of a conversation. While there are reasons for that, I needed to start by accepting that before I asked why. 

Then I remembered how many times people were referred to as creeps/weird online and in person, as well as when the woman drugged and robbed the man and I stopped wondering why I haven’t approached in a while. From office workplace romances being frowned upon to the #MenAreTrash movement making men weary of cold approaching women, there’s not much room for a guy today to be confident that approaching a woman in a public setting won’t be taken with a livid response.

Reinforcing that in a world where it’s easier to survive as a murderer than as a supposed sex offender, it just doesn’t seem like a good idea to approach a woman in public today. 

Are Women Also To Blame?

But while the blame was sent the men’s way, the women didn’t make approaching them any easier either.

A steady string of growing expectations from the fairer sex in their 20s has made the idea of dating a beautiful young woman today seem harder than ever for most men.

The economy hasn’t spared most of us youth and the with the cost of dining increasing, the concept of dating just doesn’t seem as feasible for most men…at least not as frequently as some may think. This makes it harder to match the standard of a good place to take her on a date as the Bambinos and the INTIs of the world seem ever more elusive to the average Nairobi man living paycheck to paycheck and nursing a loan on the side. 

These expectations make it harder for a lot of young men to not only date but commit to, with many opting to avoid the potential heartbreak that might ensue should they miss a payday once and end up in the financial red.

Most young men are one late paycheck away from financial disaster and the burden of accommodating another soul on that paycheck makes it even harder. This comes as the man’s role as a potential provider becomes ever-emphasized as the babes want ‘baby girl’ treatment and have been told not to settle for less. But what do we (men) get from all that? 

When we dive below that top layer of demands lies a new problem: value earned versus value given. Not to make a comparison but what our fathers got in the name of girlfriends leaves a lot to desire in our current crop.

While some of our mothers abstained till marriage, they more than made up for it by demonstrating their immaculate cooking, organization and hygiene skills.

If we told them what their daughters do instead, some would be mortified. From camping and leaving a more disorganized mess to simply screwing and napping, what we receive today is nothing short of below the bare minimum.

We may have the sex that some of our fathers lacked, but we don’t get much else besides that. So if that’s all that we’re getting yet we’re giving more to be with them, then why bother trying to commit or even going out to date in the first place?

Conclusion

Okay, maybe when I said I’d be impartial I wasn’t entirely honest.

When I embarked on the journey to answer this question, I did it knowing that the outcomes may be subjective or may seem just plain hateful. The truth of it is that it comes from a place of concern, listening and observation. 

The truth behind why we (men) aren’t dating anymore can be summed up with one word: Confidence. The confidence to approach women is probably the easiest target of this, yet beyond that paper-thin wall, we find something totally different.

Young men today aren’t dating because they aren’t confident that they CAN find a good match for commitment. And even if they are, they’re not confident that they WILL, given that the crop of women they’ve encountered doesn’t seem sustainable let alone dateable.

Denver B is a TV personality on the show Men’s Conference and a podcaster on the Break Time on Westside podcast which speaks on love, sex & relationships spanning over 360 episodes. You can reach him through his email [email protected]

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