DENVER B: Why Young Men Are Struggling To Date Right Now

So, about a week ago I stumbled onto a video of an older man berating a young man who was reviewing the statements of a young woman who claimed that she wants a nice guy.

His thoughts spoke of the way women say this and often will choose the exact opposite from the ‘nice guy’ persona, which he is. And the older man was brutal with his criticisms; so much so that I ended up discussing it. 

From saying that the young man felt entitled to women/sex by saying such to stating that his frustrations and role-playing were part of “incel behaviour” because their nice-guy approach wasn’t reciprocated with affection and/or sex, this older man tore into this young, frustrated man in a way I haven’t seen in a while.

Listen to the audio here:

And while I may have my reservations about speaking on what men should do in the face of female rejection, I didn’t like the kind of criticism here.

It was almost as if the man had never struggled in his approach to the fairer sex or he had forgotten the struggles it comes with. Also, why of all things refer to his behaviour as that of an incel?

What is an Incel? 

Okay, first let’s understand what the term means for the sake of context and understanding: The term incel is short for involuntary celibate.

The term is given to an online clique of men (and in rare cases, women) who are unable to find sexual or dating partners and thus by involuntary means, cannot copulate.

They do not have partners out of choice, but rather out of circumstance. They are perceived to be angry, reserved and sometimes hostile to sexually active ‘normal’ people.

But is this what he was or is there something more here? 

Dating Today is Frustrating 

Dating can be a challenging and confusing experience for anyone, but it can be especially difficult for young men who are still trying to figure out the nuances of relationships and attraction.

In today's world, where social media and hookup culture reign supreme, it can be hard to know what women want and how to approach them in a way that is respectful and effective. This can lead to frustration, confusion, and even mislabeling as an incel, which can be detrimental to a young man's self-esteem and mental health. 

What some women (and a few men) may see as an incel here, I see someone who is frustrated with the dating market today, as is the case with a lot of us today.

One of the main sources of confusion for young men is the gap between what women say they want and what they actually want.

Many women will say that they want a man who is kind, respectful, and treats them well, but then seem to go for guys who are more aloof, confident, and even arrogant. This can leave young men feeling like they are doing everything "right" but still not getting the results they want.

Drawing of a man who is angry after seeing a couple together. /WIKIMEDIA

Their listening to the market demands and responding only to face rejection is also frustrating. It’s like they’ve known that 1+1=2 yet in this case 1+1 doesn’t equal the same thing as the rules of this game are very different.

This can lead to frustration, confusion, and even mislabeling as an incel, which can be detrimental to a young man's self-esteem

Approaching Made Different 

While this reality is true for a lot of young men, it’s not as hopeless as some may see it.

Some men learn this over time and as such can impart the same knowledge to the uninitiated. This should even things out for most young men except for one thing: Not all advice is good advice. 

Since success with approaching women will vary based on physiological qualities as well as personal biases, the advice given can sometimes cause more harm than good.

An extrovert with broad knowledge and interest in trending topics can have greater success with advice such as “Just be yourself” but the introvert with an interest in gaming and astrophysics will suck with such advice. This makes it hard for any uneducated young man trying to work their way into approaching women with success. 

Fortunately, there are pick-up artists that give solid advice on approaching women that tends to cut across most biases. However, their advice has been termed by some as manipulative which can make them seem a type of way and thus harder to follow.

Although, while following their advice may be debatable on whether to follow or not, there seems to be one piece of advice that has worked for most men without fail. 

Become Better 

The idea of constant improvement has been touted as the best advice you can give a man in his hopes of attracting a fine dame over time. While general, it relates to what makes many people stand out and seem more attractive even before/without approaching. 

It’s a simple combination of self-improvement that is always used to hammer this point home. It requires acceptance of dissatisfaction with the person you are now in favour of the person you can be in the future, and working towards making that future a reality.

From there, you focus on four key areas: Physical, mental, social and financial. If you can leverage your strengths and combine the improvement of the four factors (no matter how small), your attractiveness will elevate regularly. 

Conclusion 

In many words, what I’ve been trying to say is that the young man isn’t an incel. If he is, he’s simply there due to frustration from the dating market.

It’s something that many of both genders face on a day-to-day basis, so why ostracize some and leave others? Yes, some may be unable to get a partner, but in most cases, it isn’t terminal. 

In conclusion, dating can be a confusing and frustrating experience for young men, but it doesn't have to be. By recognizing the complexities of attraction and relationships and constantly trying to improve, you’re more than halfway past your goal of being with a potential mate.

So while some may be further than others, a little bit of leeway and advice in the right direction will go a very long way. 

Denver B is a TV personality on the show Men’s Conference and a podcaster on the Break Time on Westside podcast which speaks on love, sex & relationships spanning over 360 episodes. You can reach him through his email [email protected]

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Image of a woman rejecting a man. /THE MAN EFFECT